Goodbye 2011. Thank you.

2011 is a year that i will never forget. It has taught me a lot about myself. I learnt a lot from all the mistakes that i have done all this while. I still remember on December 2010 when i failed my arabic paper in UIA, i swear i feel like i don't wanna live any more. All my plans are ruined because i need 4 more marks to pass that paper. So i said to myself that 2011 will be on hell of a year. Well, it is! In a good way! Lots of things happened this year and it wont happen if i didn't fail that paper. I met lots of new people especially when i first started my job. It was a fun experience. And now, i am currently master student in UiTM and of course i got more friends! How can i be so lucky that i can do both in one year?

I don't wanna think of the mistakes that i have done as a mistake. I'd rather see it as a stepping stone for me to be a better person and also as a lesson. For once, i have never been so comfortable accepting my reality. This is what i wanna feel for years! I know who i am and i know who matters in my life. Those who love me sincerely, thank you.

This year, i underestimated myself a lot. I was so hard on my self and it is a year that i am struggling. But people said, there are times that you need to cry your heart out so that you can bounce back. Well, i wanna bounce back really high this time. I am so done stressing about something that i cant change or control. I do have strong faith in my future and with people. For now, i just go with the flow. I will try not to be so serious because i know the worse thing that will happen to me if i act that way, i will fall again.

Thanks for those who treat me nicely and make me happy. Sometimes i have no idea what people see in me but some of them said the nicest things to me and i feel better about myself. People comes and go but the memories stays. Those who are actually concern about me, thank you so much and you all will be in my prayers. You guys filled my life and i dont have to mention who are those people. I'll keep it to myself. 

For those who actually look down to me, make fun of me, the reasons for my tears, well, thanks to you guys too! You guys are actually one of the motivation that keeps me going although it is hard. Thank you for 'acting' like a friend when the truth is you have the ugliest heart. I swear i don't wanna be like you. 

For 2012 this is some of my resolutions:

1) Leave a good footprints

2) Give without any expectation

3)Count my blessings

4)Spread the love and not hatred

5) Be the best person i can be

6) Never look back unless it is a good memories

7) Totally be myself and stop pleasing people

8) Say goodbye to my alter ego, Charlotte

9) To live in moderate lifestyle

10) Stronger

11) A good person, daughter, sister, friends

Hopefully 2012 will be a good year for me. Don't forget to smile. Be kind to each  other. At least you will be rewarded in the day after. Never forget that. Spread the love people. This society, the world needs it!

P/s: Revenge is sweet. But it will haunt you back. So just leave it to god. 

2011 closure

It's November and 2011 almost come to an end. Boy, what a year! My life has changed 360 degree. To be honest, by the end of 2010, i have my own plan for 2011 and i am so ready for it. I swear to god that i wanna change my life. But, something happened at the end of 2010 and my plan totally ruined because of it. I cried my self to sleep because i cant believe that the only thing that i really want that year, i didn't get it and to make it worse, it changed my plan for 2011. I was so pissed off at myself and i have no motivation at all too wake up in the morning. My plan completely ruined just by a small mistake but deep down i know that this is a test from god. In fact, it is a wake up call for me that i can't have everything that i want.

2011 is not really a good year for me although i have some good memories with some people but i don't really like the person that i have become. I mean, i have grown to be better but not in terms of everything. Well there are certain things that i am not proud of. I don't know how to say it but there are times when i feel alive every time i made a mistake. I feel normal and i know that it is real. But, what is the point of making a mistake and not learn anything from it? Yes it is true that you can't undo what has been done. The least that you can do is use it as a lesson for you to be better and to know yourself more.

Guess what? I made a mistake and sometimes i can't believe that i have done it. I used to judged people a lot but i hate it when people judge me as if they know everything. But the worse thing is, i have become the person that i swear i will never be. That is life. You think you know who you really are as a person but not really. As you get older, as you experienced more about this life, you know who you really are. So it's either you stick with it or become a better person. Of course i wanna be better.

In this year, i have my movie moment where everything feel so surreal. There are also a moment that i feel like there's no point of breathing anymore. I met lots of new people this year with so many characters and what's not to like about being an observer? I love to see peoples character. Don't you? The more people that you know, the more things that you can learn. Well that's what i believe in. Some of them make me special and wanted but some of them makes me feel like a trash. Bummer.

Sorry for the things that you don't know. I just wanna know what it is like to be you. This might sounds weird but i understand now what it is like to be you. Although it is fun, but no. I have to stop. I have experienced it and i have to move on. When i looked in the mirror, i saw more than one figure. So this is what people always said about alter ego or split personality. The yin yang that i am curious about, this is it. Right in front of me. Things are better left unsaid. At least make a promise to yourself. 2012 will be better.

P/s: Closing 2011 with smile and tears. 2012 bring it on.

People that i look up to.

Everyday we were surrounded with all kinds of people. As you get older, you know what kind of people that you like to be with. Not only that, you know who you look up to as motivation to be better and to be happy. There are some people that when you hangout with them, somehow it gave you a negative impact. Suddenly you feel so down and no self confidence. They make you feel like you are nobody. You started to look down to yourself. They make us questioning ourselves. Well, i don't like this kind of people.

I look up to people that always kind to others. They help others sincerely without hoping for any return. They make others feel like they are not alone in this world. They make us feel like we belong here and they are with us to help us when we fall. They always help us to get up and wipe our tears. They always have the best words of wisdom. They always know the right things to say to us so that we know it is not the end of the world when we are having problem. They are willing to lend their shoulders for us to cry on. They understand how we feel and they give us a hug so that we wont feel alone.

I look up to people that has a good relationship with their family. Sometimes, when i saw how close they are to their family and siblings, it gave me a piece of mind. I believe that everyone should have a good relationship with their family. They are the one that sacrificed a lot for us. I love to see the closeness of the relationship. When we were babies, our parents feed us, sang to us, and took care of us. And when the parents became older, it's their turn to pay back what their parents did to them. They woke up at night to give a massage to their parents. They took care of their parents when they got sick. I love the give and take relationship. It is like the relationship is too strong that no matter how they argue and have many differences, they are still family.

I look up to people that has a good sense of humor. Admit it. Life will be so lifeless without laugh. People said that laughter is the best medicine. It's the cure for illness that you wont have to seek a doctor to get it. Laughing can make your life better and i don't need to explain why because it has been proven clinically. In fact, those who laughed a lot tend to have a younger looks and people love to be with them especially when they are down and need something to cheer them up.

I look up to people that are not judgmental. They won't be too quick to judge whenever anyone are different from them. They will try to understand that person by trying to put their self in the different shoes. They always believe that there must be a reason behind everything. This kind of people, they know that we all have different kind of stories and experiences and that is the thing that lead us to be different from them. So instead of judging without even try to understand them first, they prefer to think of them as different and they know, no one have to be like them. Each of us have different opinions, and perceptions.

I look up to people that always remain positive. I know that once in a while, we will have a breakdown. After all, we are still human with feelings. We are not robots. If we are hurt, yes we can ignore it and stay strong. But if it's too much, it is okay for us to cry and let it all out so we can get up again and walk. Whenever we feel so down, they know how to make everything seems easy again. I adore them. I adore their optimism. I adore how much they still can see the light even when they are caught in the dark. It's like they can still see the light bulb for them to continue breathing. This kind of people makes everything seems so much easier if we open up our mind and pay attention to details. If we look around, we can always find a solutions for a better living.

I look up to people who are very down to earth. They have the money, they have the looks, they have everything but still, they act normal. Just like us. They are not arrogant, snobbish and look down to people. Even if you are beautiful, what is the point if you have an ugly heart? That will just ruin everything. Don't you think so? They are not stingy to share what they have. They are not making fun of those people that are not as pretty as they are.

I look up to people that used to be a failure. They can give so much life lesson to us. I don't like people that never make a mistake. I feel like they are just plain boring! Those who failed before, they learn from their mistakes. And when they are success now, it makes me believe that when there's a will, there's a way. Miracle do exists.

When i look at this people, i kept saying to myself that i wanna be like them and that's why i look up to them. They are such an inspiration for me to be a better person. I wanna make this world a better place. There's too much hatred and jealousy going on in this world and i think it's ridiculous. Why can't we see other people happy? For me, if they are happy, it is also a motivation for me to achieve that happiness too. Life will be so much better without jealousy. Hatred leads to nowhere.

P/s: We only live once. Leave a good footprints.

6 years of bittersweet.

Time wont wait for you. So they say.
Although i want it again so bad.
I know that i wont have another one more day.
Those who were there in the pictures,
Those who have showed me the way,
Those who gave me so much to be thankful for,
May god bless you, i pray.

Six years ago, when i received the offer letter to continue my study in Matric Uia, i was so excited. I said to myself that this is my chance to turn a new leaf. Even my dad was so excited that she bought me pink umbrella, pink bucket and other pinky pinky stuffs. He knows that i love pink so much. I promised to myself that i will study hard and just make my parents proud of me.

When i stepped into my hostel room in matric, i know that i will have so much fun here. I was so happy to be the new girl. Not the same girl i used to be back in high school. I even brought my daily planner everywhere i go for crying out loud! Well, a girl can dream but when reality hits you, it hits you hard. It didn't turned out that way. Sadly.

I was an ICT student back then. I loathe maths. I tried to learned it but i just cant accept it all. It was hard for me to fit in with everyone in the class. I got no friends. My only friends are my room mates. I find it really hard for me to talk with all the girls in my class. I was so lonely. I don't know what i was doing. The environment, the surrounding is new to me and i cant adjust myself. I tried to run away from my problems. But how far can i go? Sooner or later, i know that i have to deal with it.

I never pay attention in class. I scribbled more than i jotting down the notes. I skipped class most of the time. I spend most of my time and my money at the cyber cafe. Well, i have no internet access back when i was in high school so when i entered matric, i hate to admit it but i am culture shock. I never care about quizzes, assignments and exams. All i did was just have fun and chill in matric. I don't know why i acted that way. Maybe i couldn't care less about my grades.

When i was 18, all i can say is, that is the time where i am struggling. Sort of dying. I was screaming for help, for attention but no one hear me. I had too much on my mind. No one to talk to. No one to share tears. No one but me. Yes, i was so alone. Loneliness is tragical. So they say. And yea it's true. I was lost. I don't know what i should do with my life. I was so confused, so scared, so pathetic. I have a huge problem with my boyfriend that time, problem with my study, problem with everything.

I cant handle it no more. I choose not to face it but run. I tried new things. I went to the clinic and pretended i was sick for so many times just so that i don't have to go to class although that time i have a mid term and quizzes. I don't care at all. I even asked the doctor to give me that yellow pills for flu and that pill is very strong and drowsy. Every time when i had too much on my mind, whenever i can't face the reality anymore, instead of taking one pill, i took 4 or 5 of it and i collapsed. I slept for hours and my body felt so weak. But it was a nice sleep and i was addicted to it. Whenever i am depressed, that is my remedy. I was dead for few hours. I was gone. I kept asking for more from the doctor. After 30 minutes, my body will feel shaky and weak. I cant even walk and move so i just sleep. That is how i deal with my problem.

There are times when i feel like i am trapped in matric. Everyone are studying for finals and i don't feel like it. I feel so stressful. I sneaked out a lot at night and just wandering alone in the dark. Don't know where to go and i was alone. That's how i tried to run away although i am already lost. Lots of things happened to my life when i was 18 years old and i don't see the point of living anymore. So i choose to gave up everything and let it be. And when i got my result, i was kicked out from matric.

My pointer is 1.4 that time so they said that if i want to enter matric again, i have to change course and seek for help. Seek for counseling. To that extend. So i when to counseling and just talked with one of the ustazah. But the things that they said to me are the things that i already expected. But when they asked me what do i like to do as a hobby, what i think i am good at, i told her what i like which is writing and reading. Later, they suggested that i change course to Human Science majoring in Mass Comm. So i just agree simply because my parent wants me to continue my study there. But to be honest, i don't feel like studying anymore.

But that was a right choice for me. I had lots friend compared to when i was an ICT student before. Back then, my ICT friends only Khaliq and Abi Zar. They know how i am struggling. When i change course, i know that it is the perfect course for me and i have lots of friends to guide me in my study so i passed everything and graduated from matric before i entered main campus.

I finally graduated and i still can't believe that i did it. Lots of people that i wanna say thanks because they are part of my 6 years journey struggling in matric and in uia. Although i don't really talk with some of them now, but i know that i owed them so much at least i should say thanks.

First, i wanna say thanks to my room mates in matric, Harly Shahida and Azah Ismail. I love you two so much. You guys are the first friends that i met in matric. We automatically clicked and have chemistry! I have lots of sweet memories with them. Even during the orientation week, we feel like we already know each other for years! Yes, i am close with them but i do feel lonely sometimes cuz i never open up to them about my problems but their jokes and our laughter somehow helped me reduced my pain that i was suffering before. I love our midnight gossip, midnight dance routine, midnight movies, our very own 'good morning', Azah dancing to her favorite arabian songs, Harly singing to Melly Goeslow. And then, there was Yana and Aishah. Azah's friends. This two are the bomb! When i hang out with them, somehow i managed to forget about my problems for a while. Their jokes is simply hysterical! Especially Aishah. Gosh i miss her! I miss the three musketeers!

And then, there was Ayu, Fifie, Atirah, Kak Pah, Amy and Myra. I love to watch movies with them and gossiping late at night. To my classmate Niza Nadine, well i thought at first, u don't talk to people cuz u look kinda snobbish. Sorry to say this! But you are just amazing. Sitting next to you in class is so much fun. And to my other classmates, Piyah, Pae, Kak Shila, Mardiana, Maisaraf and Aini. They helped me a lot with my study. We always have a study group and i miss it so much. Studying with you guys is so cool!

Then there's Qareezmi. My classmate for arab. Somebody introduced me to him. And we just clicked! Funny cuz we have lots of things in common. I mean our taste in music and movies. He talked to me about everything and i love our spontaneous dinner plan at 'aroma cafe.' I think most of the songs on his ipod are my favorite songs too! That's pretty rare. It's a pleasure knowing you and thanks again for the One Tree Hill DVD that i borrowed from you. This one is a big fan of My Chemical Romance and Man U!

Khaliq is the guy that i wont forget. We were having brunch together at the cafe and suddenly there was 2 ustaz walked to our table and lectured us about sitting together. We got fined for 'coupling' and that is plain stupid! But when i think about it again, it was funny! What do u expect, its an islamic university. I still remember how we started talking to each other.

He's more like a brother to me. We talked a lot back then. I mean really a lot! The best thing about talking to him is that i can simply say what ever i want without being afraid of being judge. He's like that too! Just so you know, you have a nice smile. I adore you. You always one step ahead from others. Thanks for supporting me when i almost give up in my life. He knows about my dad's condition and he always concerned about my dad. He kept asking me about my dad's health and it touched my heart and i am blessed to have a friend like you. And that is Abi Zar.

Shahiful Azmi or better know as Epul. Gosh, i miss this guy! It's kinda funny how we started to know each other. I was in the same English class with him and we have to be partner for presentation. We never talked before so i know that it will be awkward with him. That night, he sms me and wants me to join him for dinner. I was shocked actually then later, when i met him, he said that he wants to get to know me first before we start preparing for our presentation. And that's how it started. We talked as if we have known each other too well. I might call him tomorrow cause i miss him so much. Hopefully he still use the same number.

That are some of the people that contributed to my sweet memories in matric. Entering main campus in Gombak is another story. I met lots of great people that until now, i kept thinking about them and i miss them. I swear if i talk about them one by one, this post will be almost like a biography of me so i will just make it short then.

Firstly, my IIUM FM family. Sir Johanni, Amni, Echah, Fizi, Fatin, Fadly, Fiza, Timah, Afiq, Husna, Sacide, Salam, Farhana, Faisal and Rashid. Thank you so much. It was a good experience and i had a great time with you guys. Then, my english classmate Sarah Iqbal. Sitting next to you in class is so much fun especially when Sir Mazlan in class with his hysterical jokes! Thanks also to Nurul, Tim, Imam Sayidi Anuar, Sonny, Habib, Safi and so many more. Gosh, i cant recall all this amazing people because there's too many!

Then my Comm Theory group mates, Farah and Liyana. Comm Theory is a hard subject. Thank god you guys are my group mate and i really appreciate your effort preparing the report together although we have to burn the mid night oil for that! But it was a great time spending with you guys!

Last but not least, Munir, Yoko and Syaza. No words can be use to describe them. Okey, maybe there's one. They are just awesome. Thank you for rocking my world! You guys are simply the best. I look forward for more spontaneous plan with you guys. Genting or mandi sungai again?

I know that there are more names that i should mention. But there's no way i can desribe each and everyone of them. Even this also kinda weird. I feel like i am an artist writing a thank you speech for my first album or something! But i just wanna express how i feel right now and i wanna let you know how blessed i am and how glad i am that i have the chance to know you guys. It is a pleasure. Hopefully, we will stay in touch. For some of them, i know it will be hard since we got our own life now but at least maybe one day when we bump to each other, we wont ignore each other.

After i got my official scroll, i realized that this is it. It's officially over. I got nothing else to do with uia. I am out. I was so emotional just now and when i told Yoko about it, he said that i can still come whenever i want. But that will be different. The feeling wont be the same again. As i was driving my car out from uia i stared at my side mirror and watched it slowly disappear. I was crying and it feels surreal. It's over. That chapter is over and i have to start a new chapter.

From being a loner and a completely lost girl, after six years, i have changed and thanks to uia for giving me so much to be thankful for. I have lots of bittersweet memories, i met lots of great people. Thanks for adding colors to my life. Its beautiful. May god bless each and everyone of you. May we will be happy with the life that awaits us. Just because we don't talk anymore, doesn't mean that i forgot you. You guys will always be in my heart. I love you all so much. As i am typing this, i tried to hold back the tears but i can't. Yes, i am sad that it comes to an end but i am still happy that i have a chance to get to know you people.

P/s: Can i say thank you again? :)

So this is it?

Me: I kena hafal semua nama-nama menteri in Malaysia.

Z: Untuk apa?

Me: Kelas Political Science. Lecturer tu, Sir Mohiyuddin nak tanya esok. Banyak wey.

Z: Apa yang susah sangat? Senang je kot.

Me: Ye lah tu. Meh sini, i tanya you!

Z: Tanya la.

Me: Menteri Kesihatan siapa?

Z: Errr... Errrr.... ala i ingat-ingat lupa. Tapi i tau dia cina. Hah! i tau! Dr. Lim Kok Wing!

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA !!!!!! :D

I don't need to tell who's room is this. I don't need to tell who is the person i saw on the window when i was talking to him that night. I told him so many times to close the window if he was shirtless at night. This is my life in Matric. 6 years ago, i had a friend. He's more like a big brother. We share our dreams together. His dreams finally came true but sadly, the friendship ended so soon.


I met him in my class. I was ICT student back then before i changed my course to Mass Comm. I don't really remember how we started talking and we exchanged for number and what's the reason. All i know is that, we became closer the more we shared about our secrets and dreams together. He was a brilliant student. All lecturers love him and he's so smart. He knew how i am struggling in my life. And i know that he want to change his life. When his father passed away, i know how hard it is for him to take care of his mother and siblings since he is the eldest. I know that he don't like the life that he is living and he told me that he want to change and be a responsible person. He kept telling me that he wanna get married soon although he still don't know who he wanna marry with.

My hostel is in front of his. I was in Khadijah Hostel so every night when i wanna have dinner, we planned to meet at his hostel's cafe to take away dinner and later we will talked for a while at the public phone booth. At last, we talked for almost one hour while we were still holding our dinner. We talked lots of different things. He told me how much he want to end the relationship with his current girlfriend and i showed him my pictures with my boyfriend and he said that my boyfriend is a good looking guy!

The funny part is, he was so talkative on the phone when he talked with me. He cursed a lot and he make lots of stupid jokes and that's why the conversation never end! But every time when we met each other, he seems different. He kind of a bit quiet and i was the one talking non stop and he just nodded his head, smile, laugh and maybe say few sentences. Until now, i don't know why. When my dad got stroke, he was there to cheer me up and told me don't give up. He was the one that motivated me to work hard after i changed my course. And when my cgpa increased, i told him how happy my dad was when he saw my result.

He went to main campus first and i still have one more semester in Matric. When he told me that he wanna start thinking about marriage, i can't believe it! He said that, it is the only reason for him to change his life. After he got married, he know that he will settle down and have a proper life. That will motivate him to work harder and start thinking about the future, his family and his wife. He need to have something to be responsible for. He want to be the best. I kind of pissed off with him and i told him that you don't need to get married just to change your life. You can change now without getting married. So, after i said that, maybe he realized that i didn't support him. Later we became apart. When i entered main camp, we never hang out together. Just a simple hi and bye and that's it!

One day, i was so surprised when i saw his Facebook. There's lots of photos. He's married. The girl is from UIA too and i think she's in the same course with him. He seems happy. I kind of feel left out that i didn't get the invitation. Then when i saw him in UIA again, i was having my brunch at Babush cafe alone and he was walking there so i approached him. I said congrats and i asked how come i didn't get the invitation. His answer was simple. It was too far away from my home so he assumed that there's no way i can come. I was like, really? For real? From the look on his face i know that the conversation is too awkward and he was smiling all the way to covered up the awkwardness. And i just said it's okay. Congrats anyway. The he walked away.

Few months later, i saw him again. This time he was having lunch with his wife at the cafe so i came to his table and said hye. I was surprised that he didn't introduce me to his wife and i can tell that he felt uneasy of my presence. I feel like so stupid for standing there then i just get out from there. It breaks my heart knowing that the friendship is no longer there. We can't talk like we used to. I know that he's married but that doesn't mean that he has to end the friendship with me. It's not like i am his ex girlfriend or what. We never have a scandal or what so ever. We used to be friends. Now, we do chat sometimes but not that often. But the conversation that we talked about is kind of boring. I miss him. I mean, i miss our friendship. I know that i can't have him all to myself. Somehow he will get married and have his own life. But i don't understand why it is affecting our friendship.

Convocation just over. And it hit me again. So this is it? That's it? So we go separate ways now? Its so sad when i think about it again. He's married now. He has a son. Almost a year. Kind of bizarre to me. But that's the reality. I am so proud of him. He is the best student for his course. All his dreams finally came true. Maybe i was wrong. Marriage did change his life. He is a better man now. But it is sad that i am not in his life no more. But i am still proud of him. I know and i won't be surprise if one day, if i see his face on newspaper or television. He is a genius. He is smart and he has his vision in life. That's why i adore him. Very mature and always think forward. Maybe one day, if i see him on tv, i can say that he is my friend. Used to.

Good luck in your life. It's a pleasure to know you.

P/s: You are the only one that call me by my full name. Hazwani. :)

My future baby girl

It is still a long journey for me to reach there. In fact, i still don't know if i will get one from god. But i really hope that i will get a baby girl one day. Lately, i just love little kids. Especially girl. I'm not sure what is going on with me. Maybe i am ready to be a mother? I'm not so sure about that. It's even weird for me to blog about this. Although she's not here yet, not even in my tummy, but i'm so excited to have one. I even named her. I don't wanna jinx it so for now i will just call her my baby R. Yep, that is my future baby girl. She will be so lucky to have me as her mother. Here's a reason why.

I know what it is like to be a girl. I know what will make a girl upset and what they really want in life. What they expect this life to be. I totally understand that. I will love her with all my heart and i will do whatever it takes to make her happy. There are certain things that happened to me before that i don't want my baby R to face it too. I mean, what kind of mother that will let her daughter face the difficulties that she used to experienced right?

Baby R will have me as a mother and also as a friend. I will be there to pick her up when she fall, i will be with her through thick and thin. I will lend my shoulder when she need to cry out her heart. I will lend my hands to help her to get up and be a fighter. I won't let people look down to her. I will be her biggest fan.

Early in the morning, i will prepare a nice breakfast for her. I will comb her hair and tie her hair a high ponytail. I will give a big hug and say that i love her. I want her to know that i love her. I will save up my money so that she can have a piano lesson, art class, singing, ballet class, just name it. I will try my very best to fulfill it for her. At night, i will tuck her to bed and we can have a small talk before she fall asleep.

When she join any competition, i will give her full support and i will cheer for her. Even if she lose, i don't want her to feel bad. I want her to know that how proud i am to have her. Whenever she feel insecure, i will tell her that she is beautiful. She's beautiful for being a daughter for me. I will make her feel good about herself. No one will make fun of her, and even if there's someone who do that, i will let her know that, she will always have me.

My baby R can talk to me about anything. We will have an open and honest relationship together. We can talk, laugh, cry and shopping together. I will join her watch some kids movies in the cinema so that she will feel close to me. I wanna be a mother that she can look up to as a role model. On weekends, we will watch cartoon together. I will watch whatever cartoon she like and of course i want her to watch my favorite cartoon too! Tom n Jerry and Mickey Mouse! I want her to have my thick eyebrow. Of course she will 'inherit' that!

Baby R, mama want you so bad. Someday, i will hold you in my arm and we're gonna have so much fun together. Good night. Wherever you are.

24th birthday!

I am officially 24 years old. At first, just like everyone else. I feel old. I always said to others that age is just a number but when it was my birthday, i can't help but wish that i was younger. But, i had the best birthday celebration ever. Thanks to my beloved boyfriend and best friends who were there to celebrate it with me. I feel loved. This is the best birthday ever because it was a surprise celebration that my boyfriend planned it with my friends. He's so good!

Few days before my birthday, he told me that don't expect too much from him for my birthday because he's having some financial problem at the moment so he can't afford to treat me to some fancy restaurant although it is my birthday. I said it was okay but i still want to celebrate it with him. That's what counts. So he told me that we should just have a dinner at Paddington House of Pancakes at Mid Valley. I have no problem with that since they have the best pancake in town!

I arrived at Mid Valley around 7.30 pm and he said that he wanna have dinner at 8. I told him that i am starving and i want to have dinner now. But he refused. Then he said that he wanna go to toilet and i kinda feel weird because usually he was the one that have to wait for me when i went toilet but he was so long in there this time! Then i said, okay let's go and have pancake now. He said that we have to walk slowly cuz he has a foot ache. Now what?! We was at The Garden and while we were walking together, he said that he wanna go to Zara to check out something and i was pissed cuz just now he said that he can't walk really fast. And now he wanna go there? I was so mad at him and i asked him where is my present? He asked me what do i want? I told him with no doubt that i want Nicholas Sparks novel so we went to MPH.

There's a lot of novels by Nicholas Sparks and i don't know which one i want. At first i wanna take 'A Walk to Remember' but i remembered that Aizat promised to give that to me as my birthday present so i chose 'Message in the Bottle.' It's already 8 pm and he said lets have dinner. It's weird cause at first he wanna go to Zara then only we can have dinner. When we were about to enter Paddington Pancake House, he pulled my hand and i asked him where we wanna go? End up, we went to Tony Roma's.

Great! I love Tony Roma's and it was even better when i saw all my friends were there and they said Surprise! I can't stop smiling. And i said thanks to everyone. As usual camwhoring is a must! Amin brought his camera and he snapped lots of photos. Everyone ordered gigantic burger except for Yau and my boyfriend. I was having a good time with them. Later, the waiter brought a birthday cake for me with candles on and they sang birthday song to me and i was blushed. Really blushed! It's my favorite Chocolate Indulgence cake from Secret Recipe. Later, we know that we have to go back home and i thanked everyone again for making this very sweet and memorable. Thanks to Zafirah, Ain, Izzah, Yau, Amin, Faizal,and of course the planner, Mr.Alif or better known as Mr.Boyfie.

BFF (Ain, Fiera and Me)

I don't look like 24 right? :)

I love this! :)

BFF and BF :)

Now, it all make sense why he wanna have dinner at 8pm and why he walked so slow, and why he was so long in the toilet and why he wanna go to Zara first. Can he be anymore cuter? :)

True happiness is...

In life, we wasted so much of our time wanting to be someone we are not, wanting the things that we didn't have, complaining how bad our life is, complaining how we are unlucky. As for me, i wasted years of my life thinking about that. I regret every seconds that i have wasted thinking too much about it and it leads me nowhere but frustration. When i expect too much from life, too much out of something and when it didn't turn out the way i want it to be, that's when i know there's goes my time for nothing.

It took long time for me to realize that to be happy is not by having everything but make the best out of everything that i have and be thankful. Why we want to live in our own prison and wanting so bad to trade life with others? Thousand of people wish that they are you. Years ago, i have a problem with myself and i can't help but wish that i can trade my life with someone i know that they have a better life. And then it hit me. How the hell did i know that her life is that perfect? She chose to show the world her happiness but that doesn't mean her life is perfect. I don't know what is really going on with her life. Maybe if i trade myself with her, maybe i will regret after knowing about her true life.

I don't want to be my own enemy. I know that if i keep wanting the things that i can't have, im afraid that it will destroy me and the next thing i know, i am 40 already! Sometimes we are too focus on competing with others until we have no time to appreciate the things that we got. I know that my life is not that bad. I know that there will always other girls out there that possess anything much better than me but if i keep wanting to compete with them, when will it ever end?

It's not that i don't have dreams anymore. I do have of course but i know my limits. Yes, people said that the sky is the limit but i know that i should know where i stand and who i am. The things i already have in my life right now, this things can make me happy if i know how to appreciate it. I complained way too much to my friends about my life but they kept telling me that i am lucky to have what im having now. At first, it's hard for me to believe them but when i think about it again, my life is not that bad. I mean, of course there's ups and downs. Everyone experienced that but im tired wanting something and envying others who are doing better than me or anyone that is prettier than me but until when? There will always be another girl that is way prettier than me.

I wanna set my mind free. Free from all this negativity and comparing my life with others. It will never end. I am appreciating everything that i have now. Even the smallest things. It is amazing how your life can turn to be much better when you know how to be happy with your life. Even when your eyes are holding your tears although your lips still smiling, that is not kidding yourself. That is not pretending to be happy. That is being strong and it is wise for a girl to be strong no matter how her life is upside down.

I may not have the prettiest face, i may not have the best body figure, i may not have a fortune in my bank, i may not have the hottest pieces in my closet, but despite all of this, if i can still manage to smile, i am proud of myself.

I have me.

More than enough.

Don't ever let me go.

We need each other more than anything. I can't never breathe knowing that you're mad at me. I can't live knowing that you're not happy. I'll do anything to be with you and i will always be there to support your back. Im not a perfect lover for you. Im sorry.


You're the one that when i look into your eyes, i know that i wanna be with you despite all your weaknesses. My faith for you, for us, is still strong. I know that one day when i look back, i have made the right decision to be with you.


You are the kind of love that people always write about in a novel. The one that driving you nuts but at the same time, you cant get enough of him. You still feel excited when you're about to meet him. You managed to forgive them although they hurt you before. You're willing to put everything far behind just to move forward with him.


Im not saying that i am a saint. I've made mistakes too. You did too. You did hurt me sometimes. There are times when i asked myself. What i want from you. I want someone to be with me through thick and thin. I know it will always be him. He always there when i need help and i love him even more.


I want you to be the person next to me when i woke up in the morning. When we were 17, you said that if we get married later, you want me to prepare a nice breakfast for you. Baby, i promise i will do that just to make you happy. I will make a pancake with a smiley face on and we can share it together even when we are still with our pajamas on Sunday morning.


I will be there to give you a massage and listen to you talking about your long day at work. I will make sure that your socks is clean and i'll do anything to make you happy. We will spend our Sunday just watching dvd together while cuddling and a nice dinner where we can talk for hours before we kiss good night. I want it all with you. Just you.


Don't let me go. I wont let you go. As long as we keep holding on to each other, nothing will make us apart. Hold me, look me in the eye and say that everything will be fine. That's all im asking for.



I love you...

Wake up call for Pink Pony!

In a moment, everything can change,

Feel the wind on your shoulder,
For a minute, all the world can wait,
Let go of your yesterday.


Can you hear it calling?
Can you feel it in your soul?
Can you trust this longing?
And take control,


Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine,
Forget about the reasons why you can't in life,
And start to try, cause it's your time,
Time to fly.


All your worries, leave them somewhere else,
Find a dream you can follow,
Reach for something, when there's nothing left,
And the world's feeling hollow.


Can you hear it calling?
Can you feel it in your soul?
Can you trust this longing?
And take control,


Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine,
Forget about the reasons why you can't in life,
And start to try, cause it's your time,
Time to fly.


And when you're down and feel alone,
Just want to run away,
Trust yourself and don't give up,
You know you better than anyone else,


In a moment, everything can change,
Feel the wind on your shoulder,
For a minute, all the world can wait,
Let go of yesterday,


Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine,
Forget about the reasons why you can't in life,
And start to try,


Fly
Forget about the reasons why you can't in life,
And start to try, cause it's your time,
Time to fly.

Title: Fly
By: Hilary Duff

The news about Hilary Duff's pregnancy has become a huge wake up call for me. I was just having my sahur and before i planned to continue my sleep, i checked my twitter timeline that morning and i can't believe what i saw she tweeted. I felt kindda stupid for having that feeling. What do i expected? She has been married for a year already and of course she will be a mother later. I feel like my childhood is over. Everything has changed and it is like a reminder for me to move forward too.

Well im not the only one that has this feeling. The next day Hilary Duff is trending on Twitter and everyone tweeted about her saying that their childhood is definitely over. Glad that i wasn't the only one felt that way. Im happy for her and i hope the baby will be a baby girl and will be as beautiful as she is. It really makes me realized that everything has move forward. Lizzie McGuire is about to be a mother! Kindda bizarre to me!

My cousin tweeted one of her lyrics and suddenly i can't recall back when was the last time i listened to Hilary's songs. It has been a while. Last night, my Hilary Duff playlist on iTunes is on repeat for the whole night and i cant stop watching her music video on youtube. Definitely reminds me back about my childhood.

Her songs are very inspirational and this is one of my favorite from her. The time couldn't be any better as the night before and previous night, i had a hard time and a huge breakdown. Somehow this song is telling me that i gotta stop drowning myself from my past. It is over. I gotta let go of my yesterday no matter how much i want it back.

If i kept thinking about how much i miss my teenage life, the more reasons i can't enjoy the present. It is hard but i have to try the hardest. I cant rewrite my past but i can definitely make a new ending. I am trying to change the way i see this life and i will try to remain optimist as possible but i cant promise that i wont cry. There are times when i just have to let go all my sadness and let it all out. Crying is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign that you are human, you do have feeling and if you are hurt, you are allowed to cry.

Call me a goodie-goodie. Call me a nerd for saying this but like i said, i wont let other people take control over my happiness anymore. Happiness comes from within. I just wanna breathe and enjoy this life and slowly i am letting go of my past and look forward to my future.

I am a pink pony. Of course i will fly.

Till then, xoxo

Do what makes you happy.

Clearly stated that i wanna do what makes me happy. It may sounds pathetic to others but as long as i didn't give any harm to people or damaging myself, i think that will be okay. Im so done pleasing and kissing people's ass so that they will like me. Even if they like me, that's so not me as a person, you know what i mean? I might end up being someone else and they like me not for who i am and i don't think that is right.


It takes years for me to get out from the nutshell and i have never been happier. Im not hiding of who i am anymore. I blogged, tweets, Tumblring as part of expressing myself. But for some people they might get it wrong. Some of the pictures on my Tumblr are just pictures that i like and some of them has meaning to me but that part is for me to keep it to myself. Im not gonna spill all the dirt to you but its for me to look back in 10 years time maybe?

I remember few years ago, i had a hard time. I was being so hard on myself and i didn't like it. Later, i know that i need to have any kind of distraction whenever im feeling down. I can easily get intimidated by others but as i grew older, i mean more mature, i know that no one is perfect. Each of us, hide at least one scar that you don't want to look at it anymore. But there's a quote that says "Scars means that you survive." Hell yeah i survived.

When i recall back what has happened in my life, somehow i cant stop thinking how the hell i survived that. Well, those scars are still with me but i know that's the thing that keeps me stronger. That's what makes me keep on going cuz i know that i have been too far to give up now.

Right now in my life, all i wanna do is to make myself happy. Even if i have to laugh at some stupid jokes that my friends did. Surprisingly, after that, i feel better. So, if purchasing lots of dvds will make me happy, so be it. If Tumblring everyday makes me calm and peace at heart, let it be. Well, to me that is way better than letting your mind wandering at night. People said that you can be your worst enemy especially when you talk to yourself in the middle of the night. You should just go to sleep already.

I love this feeling and i don't know how to describe it in words. Right now, i don't give a shit of what people will think of me. At times like this, my happiness is what matter the most and not them. They can think whatever they want. Feel free to judge because when i remain silent, i know they feel stupid and that's how i deal with haters. Classy!

Hugs and kisses to everyone in my life. I love each and everyone of you.

God bless!

Muaxxx.

Friends are Forever.

Friendship is part of my life. Yes, i have a family and a boyfriend but there are times when i need to have friends in my life just to talk, laugh and just be completely silly with each other and even to cry together. I don't know why but lots of my friends came to me when they need an advise or need a should to cry on and pour their problems. I do feel happy that they do remember me. I appreciate the fact that they came to me to share their problems. I really do.

The thing is, it breaks my heart when i realized that they only remember me when they're down. I really appreciate if they just call me because they just wanna talk. Well, that will be much better instead of missing for few months without any call, sms or buzz on yahoo messenger and suddenly their name popped out again crying and need some comfort.

Dont get me wrong. Its not like i dont want to listen to their problem. But lately i realized that not once they ask me if im okay or not. They never ask me how's my life going. Well, i know that i usually dont tell it to them cuz i only tell a few about my problem but it will be nicer if they ask me if im okay or not once in a while instead of expecting me to lend my ears and listen to them crying and swearing.

Yes, i can give them advice. I can wipe their tears. Im not the kind of friends that secretly enjoy other peoples problem. I love all of my friends as they have added colours to my life. I want them to be happy. I really do. But sometimes the fact that they are just so selfish and never care about others, that's what makes me sad.

Im tired to start the conversation when they think they are too good to start the conversation with me first. I mean, come on. We have been friends for years, do you still have that ego? I mean, i understand that they have the pride but its me. Your so called best friends. Why is it so hard for you to buzz me and just say hye to me? What is the worst thing that can happen if you do that? Surprisingly, their ego just vanish whenever they have a problem and they know i am the right person to talk to. That's the only reason that they will start the conversation first with me.

Everyone that i met meant a lot to me. There are times when i feel like i wanna say that i miss them. I wanna post it in their facebook. Each and everyone of them but i kindda feel stupid if i do that since they never think of me to ask if im okay or not.

After all that shits happened in my life, i know that expectation is the key to sadness. Well, i heard that quote before so i know that im right. Believe me, right now i wont expect much from them. They can call me any time they want even its 3 in the morning just for me to hear them babbling about their problems. I dont mind if their boyfriend yelled at me and i will do anything to cover their ass up and take the blame so she wont break up with her boyfriend cuz i know friends do that for each other although they never do that to me. If u wanna cry in front of me, let it be. Im not gonna expect much. I just wanna give the best that i can cause i love them so much to end that friendship just like that.

Read my lips. Friends Forever.

Hugs and kisses.

Cute thing known as Crush.

Love started with a feeling that its hard for human to describe. But of course, before we love someone, we will have a crush on him first. Just a glimpse of that person will make our day. Even the smallest things that he did to us will make us smiling to ourselves like a silly girl.

I know how that feels. It gave us reason to wake up in the morning. Everything seems so beautiful. When we see him, our heart beats so fast with excitement. The butterflies flying wild in the stomach. Feel like we want to do some stupid dance move just because we are so happy to see our crush in front of us. We will laugh to their jokes although its not that funny. The fact that he's in front of you make us so happy and you feel like smiling all the way.

The starting of a love story, or should i say crush story is the best part. Its like we're in the movie and we are the main character that people watch. Everything seems so pretty. When he's there with us, we started to get nervous. How do i look? Do i look good in this outfit? Is my make up okay? is there anything on my teeth? how should i react? what should i say? do i look nervous? what he will think of me? am i pretty enough? will he like me? Thousand more questions will hit us when we saw our crush. Its hard to describe that feeling but every girl surely have experience it at least once.

Whenever we listened to any cute love song, we start thinking about our crush. How we wish he's there with us. How much we miss him. How bad you want him to tell you that he likes you too. The best part of liking and falling for someone is if they feel the same way too. Aaahhhhhh, that feeling is beyond words. The things that you cant describe with words is that feeling. No one will understand it but ourselves.

Today, one of my colleague confessed that she like someone in the office. But i know that already long time ago. I can detect if someone got crush towards someone else especially a girl. Maybe because i am a girl and i have been in that situation before so i can easily know. Their story is pretty cute! I always love to hear the start of a love story. All the cute things they did together.

You just scored sista! No wonder she always listened to Crush by Mandy Moore. That explained enough i guess. Im sure she cant wait to get up in the morning and to see him again. Enjoy!

Never ending hope

It always hit me especially in the middle of the night. I thought, wow i am a strong girl despite everything. Yea once in a while i have a breakdown. Well, im not perfect. The things that keeps me going is that i still believe in hope and faith. Im still waiting whats there for me in the future and i know that it will be so damn good. So i continue my steps day by day.

Sometimes i feel like i dont want to expect or hope anything. I know myself better than anyone else and i know that if things are not going my way, the way i want it to be, im devastated. It will definitely brake my heart if it comes crashing down. But life without any hopes and dream will be so meaningless. If you have no dreams at all, you have no motivation at all and whats the point in that? There must be something that keep us going.

For me, i have my own reason. Even when my life is not that great, there are some little things that i appreciate and part of me still have a dream that i really hope will comes to reality.

I even have a soundtrack for my dreams. How about you?

Will u be my girlfriend?

He was a friend of her. It started with a small conversation on the phone back in high school. Her intention was to be friends. As they talked day by day, she's hooked. Its like god has finally listened to her prayers. They talked every night and they can never get enough of each other.


They went to the mall to meet each other. The girl is so nervous she actually felt butterfly in her stomach. Both of them in school uniform. The girl was so shy and the guy know exactly what to do and it makes her feel like a princess and special.

A year after that, he said "Do u wanna be my girlfriend". And she said "Finally!".

7 years 8 months and 16 days after that, that girl asked herself.

"What would i do without him?"

He's the love of her life. Her 11.01 am, 15 December 2003

And that girl is me.

Back when it was so simple and cute.

The melody of Right Here Waiting by Richard Marx filled the girl's bedroom 9 years ago. And she whispered to herself, i want love, i want to know what is love. The haunted voice of Richard Marx put her to sleep for nights. She secretly wished that she will have the chance to feel it. Soon. Then she closed her eyes.

A tall handsome guy came to her life not long after that. It all started with a smile and they just clicked like they have the chemistry for years. The girl's heart is dancing with joy. She kept saying to herself that i am his girl. I am. She never felt that kind of happiness before. Aaahhhh, so this is what people always talked about first love. It is sweet as candy and u just cant get enough of it.

The girl cant help but smile to her sleep and Richard Marx song still filled the room until she closed her eyes like a little girl sleeping after a fairytale bedtime stories. Everything is so magical. She's like a princess from disney that sing when no one is around. The kind of a girl that woke up in the morning with a huge smile on her face knowing that she cant wait to meet the prince of her dream. She had the best sleep for the next 7 months.

Her happiness was taken away from her when suddenly the love of her life said that he want different things now. Poor little girl was so naive, so confuse and wish that its the end of her life. How she wish that it was just a nightmare. She kept asking herself what has she done to be punished this way. She cried herself to sleep and wish that it will be over the next morning but when she woke up, the nightmare still haunted. Everything seems so dark, so blurry. She was unappreciated and she know that she will never be loved again.

But faith has a different story for the girl. Another prince came along with promises and she was happy again. They have been together ever since until now. Right Here Waiting by Richard Marx still put her to sleep. But the feeling is different now. She's no longer a girl anymore. Still she got so caught up in her past and she kept thinking, what might happen if they are still together.

Lots of different things happened to her after her first lover broke her heart. Her life has changed. Part of her wish that she's still 15 just to feel it back what it is like to be loved for the first time.

Slowly she's trying to leave her past step by step. Yes, 2002 is the year that she will never forget for the rest of her life. She need to let go about the past so that she could see what's for tomorrow. She wants to sing again.

When its over, it is over. But a girl like her, can never hate that one thing that used to make her happy. The one that filled her life with stars and with love. She's trying to accept that its time to move on as those time will never come back. She has a new prince now and she is looking forward to know what is the next chapter for her.

As for this chapter, she finally closed it and it has become her favorite chapter that she will read it again page by page to remind herself that her life is not that bad. There's a guy who loved her although it didn't last long. It can be a reminder for her to stop being so hard on herself.

A past is a past. It can never be written again. It can be a memories. Sweet memories. They remain friends as they can never hate each other and she said thank you...