Closure 2012: Pursuit of Happiness

Nope i am not gonna lie. 2012 is not like i expected it to be. When i read back my resolutions for this year, i feel like i wanna laugh at myself. Yep. Still ashamed of what i did this year. It is still the same reasons that causes my sadness. And its a shame how i let my happiness depends on others. That is not how it should be babe. I gotta learn not to depend on others for my happiness. Yes, of course, having someone that i love will make me happy but when i am alone, i shouldn't feel sad. I shouldn't feel alone at times. God is with me. 

All this time, i thought I felt lonely when i am alone. But lately, i started to think that you can still feel alone even when you're in a big crowd. I think too much of unnecessary things. The reason of my stress and sadness is maybe because i think too much. Too much that it didn't do me any good. For years, i let people make me sad without realizing it. This year, i did a lot of thinking. One thing for sure, it gave me a new perspective. 

My reason of sadness is i expect too much from people. I let them define what is normality. I didnt follow my heart. Yes that's the reasons. I expected people to give me what i want. I expected my life to be better. I expected everyone to understand me. I expected people not to hurt me. Well guess what? It ain't gonna happen. Shit will happen eventually and there is no way i can get everything that i wanted. Its all about give and take process. Its impossible for me to get the things that i wanted. But that doesn't mean that i should give up. But if my life didn't turn out to be what i expected, then i gotta learn how to be okay with it. Everyday i said i believe in faith and destiny. Well, my action is otherwise. I gotta walk the talk. I realized now that expectation is the root of unhappiness. 

When i let others define what is normality to me, i am such an idiot for letting them. I actually believe them. For years! Normality to me nowadays is bullshit! I think lots of people will agree with me. The reason that they feel sad and unhappy is they started to compare their life with others and they think of themselves as not normal and weird. Guess what babe? Weird is good! Uniqueness is brave! Why is it that we have to be what others want us to be? We can be whoever we wanted to be as long as we don't hurt other people's feeling and we didn't cross the line when it comes to our religion. You know what i mean... 

I suddenly recalled song by Jem and the title is They. 

                                                               Who made up all the rules?

                                                                We follow them like fools,

Believe them to be true,

Don't care to think them through

And I'm sorry, so sorry

I'm sorry it's like this

I'm sorry, so sorry

I'm sorry we do this

And it's ironic too

'Cause what we tend to do

Is act on what they say

And then it is that way

And I'm sorry, so sorry

I'm sorry it's like this

I'm sorry, so sorry

I'm sorry we do this

Who are they?

Where are they?

How can they possibly

Know all this?

Who are they?

Where are they?

How can they possibly

Know all this?

Do you see what I see?

Why do we live like this?

Is it because it's true

That ignorance is bliss?

Who are they?

Where are they?

How do they

Know all this?

And I'm sorry, so sorry

I'm sorry it's like this

Do not let others define normality to you. That is just sick and unhealthy at all. Trust me, i know what it is like to be what others want you to be. They make you feel like a weirdo and the way i live, what i like and my surrounding is unacceptable. The truth is, there is nothing wrong with it. But they made it like a big fuss as if i live in a bizarre world. They expected you to be mature and all grown up. Define to me again what is maturity? Is that mean i have to talk about the big stuff where kids dont understand? Or maturity means taking responsibility? Believe me, i know what is responsibility. People who have no idea what i have to deal with everyday might say that i have everything and my life is so easy yada yada yada.. Well, try and walk in my shoe for once? I am not complaining about the hardship that i gotta go through in life. I know that there are thousand of people who are less fortunate. But i think its not fair when we assumed that other people's life are easier. Do we know what they have to go through everyday? Do we know the battle that they have to fight with everyday? No. So its better if we just shut the hell up and dont simply assume that they have an easy life. Everyone are fighting everyday. Some didn't show it but that doesn't mean their life is like a fairytale with a pony flying with fluffy and pinkish tail. As for me, i dont like to brag about my problem to others. But its not fair for others to think of my life as easy.

This year, i learnt a lot and i hope for the best in 2013. I wont tell to the whole world about my resolutions. Oh well, i still didn't think of it yet. Maybe i don't have one. But generally speaking, my resolution is just to be happy. Its time to cleanse our heart and mind. 

P/s: I am on the pursuit of happiness. You should too. 

Live today

We all are a sinner. We all make mistakes and we're not perfect. At this point of my life, i have become the person i swear i dont wanna be before. But people changed and i guess its a part of a learning process. Its some kind of a phase that we have to go through year by year. If we realized that we have made a mistakes and we have the determination and intention to change to be better, we should know that we are lucky. For some, they totally damaging themselves until they dont know that what they do is wrong so i feel like, if we know what we did is totally wrong and we wanna change, well that is a good sign.

The problem with a sinner is that, they feel like there is no turning back for them. They feel like once a sinner, always a sinner and they keep doing all the sins and have no intention at all to change. As for me, i always believe that people can change. It depends on how strong you are. Even a saint also have their own story. We all have our own story and that story will either make us better or worse. At this point of me life, i know all the mistakes that i have done and im trying really hard to change and always pray that god will help me. I just want to be the best person i can be and i dont wanna live in regrets. That is just like the worse curse for your entire life.

I used to think that i am doomed. Unfixable. But no. I have wasted so many years punishing myself and now in a few days left, i will be 25 years old and i asked myself, what have i done all this years? One thing for sure, i punished myself a lot and i've been so hard on myself. I gotta chill and just go with the flow. Im done regretting because i know nothing goods will come out of that. Right now, im living the moment. Not the future, not the past. Its today. 

P/s: Listening to Pumped Up Kicks by Foster The People make me feel like its not the end of the world. Lets dance like crazy. 

Britney next door

This is Britney Spears, the queen of pop. She started to shine in 1998 with the song 'Baby One More Time.' Poor girl, she has no idea the price of fame that she will get later. At the age when she started to become a star, she is well known as the girl next door and the princess of America. Every girl wanna be her and every guy wanna date her. She got it all. She got everything a girl could ask for. At the age of 16, she lived her life according to what the people want her to live. No objection, no question. She is the sweetest, and naive girl like we always see on television. She's like a role model to girls as she got a clean image. But how long can she stay like that as she get older?

In 2002, she was 21 years old. She is free but she's confuse. She started to question things. She wonder, why i have to act the way people want me to act? Shouldn't i suppose to live this life the way i want? This is my life and i am tired of living based on what people told me to do and what not to do. I am not a doll. I am not a puppet. That is when the drama started. Freedom is what she's looking for. Freedom is what destroyed her. She wanted to be free from the parents, from the fans expectations, from paparazzi so she did whatever she wanted to without even think the consequence of her action. She's no longer that sweet girl. Gone.

Rebellious. That is the right word. Things got worse when the love of her life broke up with her. She's all alone. She's surrounded with lots of people and she still feel alone most of the time. She started to look for distraction but freedom is what makes her feel like a trash. Confuse, miserable. Almost crazy. She's not a girl, not yet a woman. She's somewhere in between. Still searching for herself and learn from mistake. But when she's sober, she bounced back. She said, that is enough!

She started to search back for something and someone that will bring her back to the girl she used to be. Something that can keeps her grounded and stay sober. People say that once you fall, never be afraid to get up again. Its never too late to be what you used to be. When there's a will, there's a way. Absolute freedom can cause more damages. The things that keeps you grounded is not that bad. Being naive is better than being trashy. Now she is back being a sweet girl like a cotton candy. 

P/s: Her story is a little familiar.

Still a teddy bear girl

There's a quote i found few days back from the internet. The quote is 'the problem of people who are not happy right now is because they think the past is better than the present.' I felt like somebody just slapped me on my face. Yes i think that is true. Whenever i am upset, i always recalled back what is like to be in the past. I started to make a comparison about my life at the moment and my life back then. The funny thing is, back then, i always wanted to grow up and i always eager to know about the future. But now, its weird how much i wanted to go back to my past. Maybe because my life is so much simpler back then and its more fun.

How can it not be simple and fun? I was young. The amount of responsible that i have to carry back then compared to right now is totally different. I don't have to worry about money, love life, and i couldn't care less about the consequence of my action. All i did was just playing and fooling around. Maybe i don't understand yet what is the meaning of life. Right now, as i get older, life is not that easy. People might think that i have everything. Little did they know, how i feel. The way they said it to me, its like they think i don't have anything to worry about. How can that be? What do they know about my life? Sometimes it is hard to be me but i don't feel like telling people the details of my problem. So that is why they assumed that i got everything covered and nothing to worry. Boy, they are wrong.

I am not complaining about my life. I know that lots of people are dying to be in my place right now. When i am feeling down, or upset, i started to think of the people who are not lucky as i am and it somehow can make me feel thankful. But when stress conquered me, it didn't work. My mind started to wander around and i am back to my past. That is when i cant control my emotion because i miss my the past so much. Part of me knows that i can be a better person if i have the chance to go back to my past and fix my mistakes. What kind of crap i am talking about right now? There is no way it can happen. Exactly. That's what makes me sad.

I am going to be 25 in a few months. And here i am blogging about how much i miss my past. I know that nothing good will come out from this. But i think, its not only me. Everyone miss their past but they have let it go and move on. I moved on already. But whenever i am sad, i feel like something is pulling me back to my past and things got worse. 10 years ago, i have never imagined my life will turned out like this. Guess what? It did happen. And i am like... where did the time go? 

P/s: I still sleep with my teddy bear like a baby.

It's gonna be worth it

Yes. I am ashamed of myself. I have make thousand of promises to be better. Better version of myself from the previous years. I thought i have learnt my lesson. There are certain times when i know that i have a progress, but sometimes i feel like i can do better. Be better. I have made promises to myself and why did i violated that? I try to talked to myself and said that i have my own reasons why i did that but no matter what, there is no valid reason when you do something stupid and no meaning at all. 

To make it worse, when i read back my new year resolution for this year, my older Tumblr posts, i feel like there's nothing much change in myself. I am still me. I said i wanna change, i wanna be better and yet i still possessed all the negative attitudes that i have. God i wish i can get rid that all off and just be better. When you reached certain age, you know the kind of person you wanna be. But sometimes there's always something that will pulled you back down and make you feel stupid and useless again. Well, i have some issues with myself and i don't understand myself sometimes. Maybe its the hormones or maybe i am confuse. Or maybe i am not thankful enough with the life that i am living with right now. At night, i slept very late because if i force myself to sleep when i am not sleepy at all, that is the time when my mind started to think about all the things  that i didn't get in my life and there's nothing good come out of that. Nothing but tears on my pillow. I hate it when i cried myself to sleep.

I know that it is okay not to be okay. There are times when we will feel down and miserable but at least make sure that it is a good reason to cry. Reasonable reason. Because most of the time, when i am feeling down, deep down i know that it is just a silly issue. Damn i hate it when i make it like a big deal. But who is to blame? Yea, me. Right now, my life and my emotion are all over the place. I can be so happy at one time and the next thing i know i feel like i wanna punch someone in the face. Or just cry my eyes out. To be honest, you feel so much better after you let it all out when you cry. Is it just me or do you guys talk to yourself? I talked to myself a lot to keeps me sane and to avoid me doing anything stupid. 

But surprisingly i still have strong faith for the future. Well that is a good thing. That is the thing that keeps me going ahead. Sometimes when i feel like i wanna give up when everything is too hard, i always said to myself that i have reached this far and if i quit now, then all the pain, all the struggles that i faced before will be for nothing and that is even worse. So right now, i sacrificed a lot. I did all this so that i can have a better life but sometimes it is beyond my control. Who am i to fight against God? If God have other plans for me, who am i to say no? But deep down i hope that i will get the life that i want. When i was in high school, never in a million years that i thought my life will turned up this way. But guess what? It did. Boy the sacrifices that i made today, i know that in 10 years time i will laugh about it and wonder how did i survive that? Now that will be the best feeling ever. Survive and accomplish.

P/s: Always be a better version of yourself than yesterday. That way, you will improve yourself. 

Gratitude

I used to hated my life. Always comparing my life with others. I know that people think that my life is lame and boring. Well, i already used to it. There are times when i feel like i wanna have the life like my friends life. But who knows, if they secretly wish that they have my life? 

I always tweeted about my life. Some people tweeted about how fantastic their life is. They tweeted something like, who are the amazing people they met, how cool the party that they attended and so on. But for me, actually my life is simple. I got excited over small things. Because why? Because i appreciate all this small things because although it is small, it makes me happy. It did.

What is not to be happy when you can go out and dine in with your family and have a good time. All of your family members in one table, enjoying great foods together. Millions of people out there are suffering and too bad some of the kids have to survive without their parents. And here i am, i still have my parents, my family and this are the little things that makes me smile.

Same goes to spending time with my boyfriend and my friends. Although the places that we go to hang out is an ordinary place, although all the things that we did together is too common, it never fails to make me happy. These are the things that i will miss when i get old. Why not enjoy it while it last? In this life, we can't have everything. We should never compare our life with someone else. Some parts of our story has determined by god and we have to go with it. What did you got when you started questioning  about all kinds of things and forcing yourself to understand why your life is not like the others. Comparing your life, yourself with others is never a good thing. 

I do have a breakdown once in a while. But when i tried to think of all the things that i should be thankful for, it somehow can makes me feel better. It healed me. As i get older, i realized that i never want a life like a woman living in a luxurious mansion, a fortune in my bank. No i never want that. I wanna be with the person i love, great family and friends, secure job and a happy life. Money is not everything. Believe me when i say that there are some people who have millions but they still cry themselves to sleep. Why is that? Because money cant buy you happiness. It is all in your mind and your heart. It amazes me when i saw that some people can enjoy their life although they always have money problem. 

The key to have that kind of life is to be thankful with what you got, even the smallest things. If you always wanna beat others in terms of job, money, you will never be satisfied. Count your blessing. You will be surprise how big it is when you combine all this small things in life. That will be the time you will realize that your life is not that bad. Someone out there are not that lucky like us. So bow down, pray to god and be thankful about all this little things in life. As little as it is, it is big for someone who knows how to be grateful. Gratitude can change your life. 

This is one of my favourite songs by Avril Lavigne. 

"Innocence"

Waking up I see that everything is OK
The first time in my life and now it's so great
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed
I think about the little things that make life great

I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliant
I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect
Please don't go away
I need you now
And I'll hold on to it
Don't you let it pass you by

I found a place so safe, not a single tear
The first time in my life and now it's so clear
Feel calm, I belong, I'm so happy here
It's so strong and now I let myself be sincere

I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

It's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
It's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
This innocence is brilliant
Makes you wanna cry
This innocence is brilliance
Please don't go away
Cause I need you now
And I'll hold on to it
Don't you let it pass you by

Uniqueness is sexay!

All this years, ever since in high school, i have tried to figured out who i really am. Growing up is hard especially when you don't know who you are. You don't know what do you want in life, no idea how to act, too careful and trying too hard to please people. When i looked at one particular girl, i thought 'okay, i wanna be just like her.' So i tried to be exactly like her. Try to talk like her, copy everything until i found someone else for me to copycat. How pathetic is that? 

Its not easy being a girl, a woman. We are struggling to be what the society want us to be. Well, there is the mistake. Girls always become the victims of society. Victims of advertising and the media. Media trying to tell the girls, the accepted image for girls in the society. How to dress up, how to talk with guys, what kind of haircut that is the in-thing, the height and weight that is hot in the market, how your ass should be, how your boobies should be and trust me, the list will never end. That is too much for a girl to handle and to follow.

Who created all this rules and ideas to girls? The media. From films, magazines, music videos. When we watched it, we feel intimidated especially for girls who already suffered with low self esteem. Girls are easily influences by all this messages. As for me, i used to feel that way. But i think, i managed to overcome my weakness. That is what i think of me so far.

I still remember when i was 16, i watched The Princess Diaries starring Anne Hathaway and Julie Andrew. In the movie, Anne is a nerd in the school. She has no idea that she is actually a princess of Genovia. When her grandmother met her and told her the secrets, they think that Anne needs a makeover. They straightened her frizzy curly hair and plucked her bushy thick eyebrows. When i watched that part, i couldn't stop thinking about one thing. So is that how people perceived me? Well, i have a curly hair and my thick eyebrow is really one of a kind. I got teased a lot from girls in my school about my image. Not sure if they were joking or really enjoyed making fun of me. I feel ashamed of myself after i watched that movie. 

Same goes to fashion. Following the trends is fine if you actually like the fashion. But sometimes, girls wear heels because it looks sexay although to tell the truth, some girls hate high heels. It hurts like hell wearing that! For now, whatever i wear, or how i act in front of people, that is because i wanted to do it that way. Not because i feel like i have to do that. No pressure. There are times when i feel like i wanna dress up nicely and put on some make up to look nice. Its not like im saying i look ugly without make up on because that will be an insult to god's creation. I just put on the make up for fun. I dont feel embarrass or the end of the world if anyone i know see me without my make up. There are also times when i feel like i just wanna dress up simple with no make up on. It is not that bad. I still got compliments when i am not wearing any make up so that totally boosted up my self esteem! Hehe. 

I just wanna say that, yea it is true that girls, women, all wanna look pretty and beautiful. We can put some effort to be pretty but not to the extend where you become the slave and the victim of the society. Trust me, the  society's definition of beautiful is fucking ridiculous. They just put on more and more pressure for girls. It is so sad that lots of girls our there are the victims, especially the teenagers. I am glad that i am not a teenager anymore and i managed to control my self esteem issue. I dont say that i am beautiful because that will be too shallow. But how can i not say it because aren't we all god's creation? In fact, beauty comes from within. I've seen so many pretty girls but sadly, they are not pretty on the inside. Such a waste. Im just saying, girls need to chill and please dont be too hard on yourself. For me, whenever i feel like i am not that pretty, i automatically feel like i am not grateful for what god gave me. I mean, he gave me everything. I can see, smell, talk, walk, everything. I am perfect because i am not disable at all. Why am i still complaining. There are some blind girls out there who prayed every night to see this world. Just like me. There are some deaf girls who cried because they cant hear anything but i can. So what else am i complaining about?

For now, i am fine with who i am and what god gave me. And if people say any negative things about me, or they make fun of my physical appearance, i will just smile and in my heart i will only say pfffttt! Just like the photo here. Uniqueness is so sexay. In my opinion, if all girls trying to be what the society and the media want us to be, then how will we stand out from the crowd if every girls are the same? Haha! You tell me! :)

P/s: Those who make fun of you are actually insecure about themselves. Just forgive them as their life is hard enough. Sense my sarcasm. 

While we still breathe.

Well said.
I just want people to remember me when im gone. We only live once. I wanna leave a good footprints so that people will remember all the good things about me when i am gone. That is why i tend to forgive easily, never argue with people. I locked up all inside because life is too short to continue the anger and hatred. What if when im mad at someone, suddenly that person is gone. Or what if i cant say i am sorry before i am gone? I know its not only happening to me. It happened to everyone else. People take you for granted. They only remember you when they have a problem or the worse is, they regret that they didn't care about us as much as we care about them.

I care about a lot of people. Some of them hurt me so much. I should have walk off but i am still right here. Helped you out when you fall. But i am not so sure if you will do the same for me. I can be the shoulder for you to cry on. But i'd rather cry on my pillow. Not so sure if they care about me as much as i care about them. But its okay, i am here for you. I promise. As long as god still let me breathe. If i helped you a lot, dont thank me. Thank Allah. I am here because He created me and He lend me to you. 

Appreciate people while they are still here. Tears will be nothing once when they're gone. You will be sorry. A reminder to you, a reminder to me as well.

Be thankful

We as a human, we are greedy, selfish, ego and self centered. We are not born that way. But as we get older, we possessed all this negative attributes. People are so busy working so hard to impress people they don't even like. As for me, i don't like competition with others. Whatever i did, i did it for myself and not because i want to compete with others. To me, if you always aim that you wanna be on top of everything, you will never satisfy because there will always be someone who are way better than you. When you are not satisfy with your life, you wont be thankful to god with the life that you got and you started take things for granted. 

To be humble, to be thankful and bless, instead of comparing your life with someone higher than us, why don't we try to compare our life with the one that unfortunate. By doing that, we will know that our life is not bad and thousand of peoples will do anything to be in our shoes because we are actually lucky. 

As for me, honestly there are times when i compared my life with someone who are better than me. Different people have different kind of thinking. For some, they will take that as a motivation to do better which is good. But for me, that is the thing that will make me depress and i will start to question about things. So i decided to stop comparing my life with these people because i know that there will always be other people that are better than me. Better in terms of job, family, friends, lifestyle beauty and the list goes on. When i started to think about the unfortunate people in my surrounding, it somehow make me realize that how lucky i am to be where i am and what i am now. Of course, after this there will be time when i will feel depress again but that is just life. At one time, you are optimist and the next thing you know, you are as pessimist as you can be. 

To be happy is actually simple. You gotta be happy with the smallest things. Don't take everything easy. Get excited about everything. The moment you wake up every morning, celebrate it. Every time you accomplished the smallest things, celebrate it. Keep celebrating your life and make it worth loving. I am sure you guys wanna look back after 20 years from now, you don't wanna feel any regret. As goody goody as it sounds, sometimes the simplest things makes me happy. Because i don't know what is gonna happen next in the future so as long as i can be happy now, i will. 

My life is not that perfect now. This is the phase that i have to be stronger than ever to continue living. So when i am happy, i am all out because who knows if the next hour, something bad might happen. Competing with others is just not my thing. Everything that i do, it is for me. Not for anyone else. Competition will destroy me. I know that it will harm me more so i'd rather do things because i wanted to and not because i wanna be higher than others. Life is so much simpler that way. 

P/s: I am not uptight and tense. I can be too relax sometimes ;)