Yes. I am ashamed of myself. I have make thousand of promises to be better. Better version of myself from the previous years. I thought i have learnt my lesson. There are certain times when i know that i have a progress, but sometimes i feel like i can do better. Be better. I have made promises to myself and why did i violated that? I try to talked to myself and said that i have my own reasons why i did that but no matter what, there is no valid reason when you do something stupid and no meaning at all.
To make it worse, when i read back my new year resolution for this year, my older Tumblr posts, i feel like there's nothing much change in myself. I am still me. I said i wanna change, i wanna be better and yet i still possessed all the negative attitudes that i have. God i wish i can get rid that all off and just be better. When you reached certain age, you know the kind of person you wanna be. But sometimes there's always something that will pulled you back down and make you feel stupid and useless again. Well, i have some issues with myself and i don't understand myself sometimes. Maybe its the hormones or maybe i am confuse. Or maybe i am not thankful enough with the life that i am living with right now. At night, i slept very late because if i force myself to sleep when i am not sleepy at all, that is the time when my mind started to think about all the things that i didn't get in my life and there's nothing good come out of that. Nothing but tears on my pillow. I hate it when i cried myself to sleep.
I know that it is okay not to be okay. There are times when we will feel down and miserable but at least make sure that it is a good reason to cry. Reasonable reason. Because most of the time, when i am feeling down, deep down i know that it is just a silly issue. Damn i hate it when i make it like a big deal. But who is to blame? Yea, me. Right now, my life and my emotion are all over the place. I can be so happy at one time and the next thing i know i feel like i wanna punch someone in the face. Or just cry my eyes out. To be honest, you feel so much better after you let it all out when you cry. Is it just me or do you guys talk to yourself? I talked to myself a lot to keeps me sane and to avoid me doing anything stupid.
But surprisingly i still have strong faith for the future. Well that is a good thing. That is the thing that keeps me going ahead. Sometimes when i feel like i wanna give up when everything is too hard, i always said to myself that i have reached this far and if i quit now, then all the pain, all the struggles that i faced before will be for nothing and that is even worse. So right now, i sacrificed a lot. I did all this so that i can have a better life but sometimes it is beyond my control. Who am i to fight against God? If God have other plans for me, who am i to say no? But deep down i hope that i will get the life that i want. When i was in high school, never in a million years that i thought my life will turned up this way. But guess what? It did. Boy the sacrifices that i made today, i know that in 10 years time i will laugh about it and wonder how did i survive that? Now that will be the best feeling ever. Survive and accomplish.
P/s: Always be a better version of yourself than yesterday. That way, you will improve yourself.
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