Miracle

People always think of miracle as something beyond reality. They set the expectation and definition of miracle as too high. When i was a kid, i always though of miracle as a gift from god. Something that is very rare and impossible to happen. Something that will change our life because god gave you the sign and helped you to be a good believer. Not everyone will have the chance to witness or receive miracle from god. So when i was a kid, i thought of miracle as something that will never happen to me. Or maybe the chances are very little. People associated miracles with dreams and wishes. I did that too. But as i get older, i have seen a lot of things in my surrounding that changed my definition of miracle. It works the other way round.

Miracle to me is when I witness an act of kindness. Today, in this world that we are living in, people are cruel, selfish and the sense of humanity wasn't there any more. Everyday we can see how people only think of themselves and didn't consider of other people. Whatever they did is for them and not for others. They perceived helping others as something that is not beneficial for them. They think of it as an unnecessary burden for them. Or maybe even if they did helped people, they expected something in return. In a way, they never land their hand sincerely. So every time, when i witnessed a person helping others sincerely, somehow my faith in humanity restored. Its a relief to me that there are some people out there who still have the heart to help others for the sake of helping and not something to take advantage for. It gave me hope that there's still a chance that this world can be a better place if more and more people act like this. It gave me a lesson that we too can be that kind of person. It can reflect us and motivate us to be a better human with a good heart.

Miracle to me is when i witness an act of gratitude. Growing up, all i can see is how people become a slave to money. Money is everything for them. Although what they already have is more than enough, it never seems to be enough for them. They want more. Money blinded them. They neglected everything just for money. These people need to know that money can't buy happiness. They always think of happiness as being rich. They think that money can solve everything. Believe me when i say that money will leads us to be someone we hated before. I am not saying that being rich is a bad idea but most rich people are greedy, dictator and they are manipulative. They will do whatever they can to get what they want. Even the sickest way of doing it. I like to witness how some average people seems so happy with what they got. They are thankful with what they have and they make the best out of it and it still completed them. All these years, i always asked myself, how come all these average or poor people seems so happy with what they have? I used to desire a lot of things. And when i didn't get it, i got upset. So when i saw these people, i can't help but think of how they managed to be happy with their simple life. Not once they blame god for their financial condition. Whatever happened to them, they think of it as fate. Something that god has given to them. Therefore, they managed to accept the fact who they are and be okay with it. They are thankful to god no matter how hard their life is. Its like a slap on my face whenever i witnessed these kinds of situation. I am ashamed of myself for always wanting more. It is a miracle to me because i always thought that it is impossible to be happy when you have no money. 

Miracle to me is when i witness an act of true to yourself. I always saluted those people who have no pressure at all to be someone else even when they are surrounded with other people who are so much different than them. These people, they don't give a shit at all of what others going to say about them. Being true to yourself is hard sometimes especially in today's world where everywhere you go, people try to change you to be someone you are not. And if the pressure is too much, you will lose your identity and become just like everybody else. Where's the fun in that? Just imagine living in this world with everyone so much alike and there's no diversity of personality at all. Its crazy. I used to hide. A lot. Whatever i did whatever i like, i always have to think twice. I always put other people first instead of me.I have to think twice to be myself. And when i witnessed these people who are brave enough to stand up in the crowd and just be who they are, well, i wanna be like them. Of course i want to. I've been hiding way too long. 

Miracle to me is when i witness an act of devotion. I believe in god. As a Muslim, i have faith that Allah is there for me. But sometimes, when Allah didn't grant my wish and dreams, i have lost faith. I gave up. I feel like there's no way it can happen. But when i witnessed a true believer, people who have a strong faith in god, i respected them. Sometimes they have prayed and wished for years and still there's no sign from Allah and yet they still believe that Allah is listening to them therefore, they never stop praying. Deep down, they wish that one day, maybe one fine day that Allah will grant their wish. Or even if it didn't happen, they already set in their mind that Allah has a better plan for them. So what they did is just go with the flow and still never miss prayers. When i reflected myself after i witnessed these believer, i feel ashamed of myself. How can i expected god to grant whatever i want in a short period of time? Some people have prayed and wished for years and they still didn't get what they want. But that still didn't stop them to have a continuous believe that He is up there listening to each of our prayers. 

These are what miracles to me. They make me want to be a better person. They gave me a new perspective of what life is about. And i think that is miracle enough to me. I considered myself lucky to witnessed it. 

P/s: I used to think that miracle is when i discovered that i have a twin. Too much of watching "The Parent Trap" i guess...

Karma is a bitch

I always reminded myself not to hurt other people's feeling. Before i talk or do anything, I always try to put myself in other people's shoes. Will i be mad if a person did that to me. By doing that, it somehow helped me not to hurt others. At least i have tried. I think it is important to take care of other people's feeling. You can't just be yourself and hurt others. There are certain things that you need to be aware of. Learn to be more sensitive.

You cannot act ignorant and don't give a shit about how your attitude will affect others in your surrounding. I have seen lots of people who don't give a shit at all about their attitude. They have no idea how their action and choice of words have hurt other people's feeling. I labelled these people as selfish. All they could care about is themselves. What about other people's feeling? 

And of course i believe in karma. What ever you did to people, what ever you said and how you hurt them, those things will haunt you back and it will destroy you as much as how it they destroyed others too. Or maybe even worse. I just wanna say that, we need to be careful when we talk and treat people. We have no idea how our behaviour might hurt others secretly. People might just forget about it and move on but what if that thing happen more than one time? And every time it happened, it hurts even more? Have you ever consider that?

P/s: Please take care of other people's feeling as much as you want others to take care of yours. Think before you act.

Closure 2012: Pursuit of Happiness

Nope i am not gonna lie. 2012 is not like i expected it to be. When i read back my resolutions for this year, i feel like i wanna laugh at myself. Yep. Still ashamed of what i did this year. It is still the same reasons that causes my sadness. And its a shame how i let my happiness depends on others. That is not how it should be babe. I gotta learn not to depend on others for my happiness. Yes, of course, having someone that i love will make me happy but when i am alone, i shouldn't feel sad. I shouldn't feel alone at times. God is with me. 

All this time, i thought I felt lonely when i am alone. But lately, i started to think that you can still feel alone even when you're in a big crowd. I think too much of unnecessary things. The reason of my stress and sadness is maybe because i think too much. Too much that it didn't do me any good. For years, i let people make me sad without realizing it. This year, i did a lot of thinking. One thing for sure, it gave me a new perspective. 

My reason of sadness is i expect too much from people. I let them define what is normality. I didnt follow my heart. Yes that's the reasons. I expected people to give me what i want. I expected my life to be better. I expected everyone to understand me. I expected people not to hurt me. Well guess what? It ain't gonna happen. Shit will happen eventually and there is no way i can get everything that i wanted. Its all about give and take process. Its impossible for me to get the things that i wanted. But that doesn't mean that i should give up. But if my life didn't turn out to be what i expected, then i gotta learn how to be okay with it. Everyday i said i believe in faith and destiny. Well, my action is otherwise. I gotta walk the talk. I realized now that expectation is the root of unhappiness. 

When i let others define what is normality to me, i am such an idiot for letting them. I actually believe them. For years! Normality to me nowadays is bullshit! I think lots of people will agree with me. The reason that they feel sad and unhappy is they started to compare their life with others and they think of themselves as not normal and weird. Guess what babe? Weird is good! Uniqueness is brave! Why is it that we have to be what others want us to be? We can be whoever we wanted to be as long as we don't hurt other people's feeling and we didn't cross the line when it comes to our religion. You know what i mean... 

I suddenly recalled song by Jem and the title is They. 

                                                               Who made up all the rules?

                                                                We follow them like fools,

Believe them to be true,

Don't care to think them through

And I'm sorry, so sorry

I'm sorry it's like this

I'm sorry, so sorry

I'm sorry we do this

And it's ironic too

'Cause what we tend to do

Is act on what they say

And then it is that way

And I'm sorry, so sorry

I'm sorry it's like this

I'm sorry, so sorry

I'm sorry we do this

Who are they?

Where are they?

How can they possibly

Know all this?

Who are they?

Where are they?

How can they possibly

Know all this?

Do you see what I see?

Why do we live like this?

Is it because it's true

That ignorance is bliss?

Who are they?

Where are they?

How do they

Know all this?

And I'm sorry, so sorry

I'm sorry it's like this

Do not let others define normality to you. That is just sick and unhealthy at all. Trust me, i know what it is like to be what others want you to be. They make you feel like a weirdo and the way i live, what i like and my surrounding is unacceptable. The truth is, there is nothing wrong with it. But they made it like a big fuss as if i live in a bizarre world. They expected you to be mature and all grown up. Define to me again what is maturity? Is that mean i have to talk about the big stuff where kids dont understand? Or maturity means taking responsibility? Believe me, i know what is responsibility. People who have no idea what i have to deal with everyday might say that i have everything and my life is so easy yada yada yada.. Well, try and walk in my shoe for once? I am not complaining about the hardship that i gotta go through in life. I know that there are thousand of people who are less fortunate. But i think its not fair when we assumed that other people's life are easier. Do we know what they have to go through everyday? Do we know the battle that they have to fight with everyday? No. So its better if we just shut the hell up and dont simply assume that they have an easy life. Everyone are fighting everyday. Some didn't show it but that doesn't mean their life is like a fairytale with a pony flying with fluffy and pinkish tail. As for me, i dont like to brag about my problem to others. But its not fair for others to think of my life as easy.

This year, i learnt a lot and i hope for the best in 2013. I wont tell to the whole world about my resolutions. Oh well, i still didn't think of it yet. Maybe i don't have one. But generally speaking, my resolution is just to be happy. Its time to cleanse our heart and mind. 

P/s: I am on the pursuit of happiness. You should too. 

Live today

We all are a sinner. We all make mistakes and we're not perfect. At this point of my life, i have become the person i swear i dont wanna be before. But people changed and i guess its a part of a learning process. Its some kind of a phase that we have to go through year by year. If we realized that we have made a mistakes and we have the determination and intention to change to be better, we should know that we are lucky. For some, they totally damaging themselves until they dont know that what they do is wrong so i feel like, if we know what we did is totally wrong and we wanna change, well that is a good sign.

The problem with a sinner is that, they feel like there is no turning back for them. They feel like once a sinner, always a sinner and they keep doing all the sins and have no intention at all to change. As for me, i always believe that people can change. It depends on how strong you are. Even a saint also have their own story. We all have our own story and that story will either make us better or worse. At this point of me life, i know all the mistakes that i have done and im trying really hard to change and always pray that god will help me. I just want to be the best person i can be and i dont wanna live in regrets. That is just like the worse curse for your entire life.

I used to think that i am doomed. Unfixable. But no. I have wasted so many years punishing myself and now in a few days left, i will be 25 years old and i asked myself, what have i done all this years? One thing for sure, i punished myself a lot and i've been so hard on myself. I gotta chill and just go with the flow. Im done regretting because i know nothing goods will come out of that. Right now, im living the moment. Not the future, not the past. Its today. 

P/s: Listening to Pumped Up Kicks by Foster The People make me feel like its not the end of the world. Lets dance like crazy. 

Britney next door

This is Britney Spears, the queen of pop. She started to shine in 1998 with the song 'Baby One More Time.' Poor girl, she has no idea the price of fame that she will get later. At the age when she started to become a star, she is well known as the girl next door and the princess of America. Every girl wanna be her and every guy wanna date her. She got it all. She got everything a girl could ask for. At the age of 16, she lived her life according to what the people want her to live. No objection, no question. She is the sweetest, and naive girl like we always see on television. She's like a role model to girls as she got a clean image. But how long can she stay like that as she get older?

In 2002, she was 21 years old. She is free but she's confuse. She started to question things. She wonder, why i have to act the way people want me to act? Shouldn't i suppose to live this life the way i want? This is my life and i am tired of living based on what people told me to do and what not to do. I am not a doll. I am not a puppet. That is when the drama started. Freedom is what she's looking for. Freedom is what destroyed her. She wanted to be free from the parents, from the fans expectations, from paparazzi so she did whatever she wanted to without even think the consequence of her action. She's no longer that sweet girl. Gone.

Rebellious. That is the right word. Things got worse when the love of her life broke up with her. She's all alone. She's surrounded with lots of people and she still feel alone most of the time. She started to look for distraction but freedom is what makes her feel like a trash. Confuse, miserable. Almost crazy. She's not a girl, not yet a woman. She's somewhere in between. Still searching for herself and learn from mistake. But when she's sober, she bounced back. She said, that is enough!

She started to search back for something and someone that will bring her back to the girl she used to be. Something that can keeps her grounded and stay sober. People say that once you fall, never be afraid to get up again. Its never too late to be what you used to be. When there's a will, there's a way. Absolute freedom can cause more damages. The things that keeps you grounded is not that bad. Being naive is better than being trashy. Now she is back being a sweet girl like a cotton candy. 

P/s: Her story is a little familiar.

Still a teddy bear girl

There's a quote i found few days back from the internet. The quote is 'the problem of people who are not happy right now is because they think the past is better than the present.' I felt like somebody just slapped me on my face. Yes i think that is true. Whenever i am upset, i always recalled back what is like to be in the past. I started to make a comparison about my life at the moment and my life back then. The funny thing is, back then, i always wanted to grow up and i always eager to know about the future. But now, its weird how much i wanted to go back to my past. Maybe because my life is so much simpler back then and its more fun.

How can it not be simple and fun? I was young. The amount of responsible that i have to carry back then compared to right now is totally different. I don't have to worry about money, love life, and i couldn't care less about the consequence of my action. All i did was just playing and fooling around. Maybe i don't understand yet what is the meaning of life. Right now, as i get older, life is not that easy. People might think that i have everything. Little did they know, how i feel. The way they said it to me, its like they think i don't have anything to worry about. How can that be? What do they know about my life? Sometimes it is hard to be me but i don't feel like telling people the details of my problem. So that is why they assumed that i got everything covered and nothing to worry. Boy, they are wrong.

I am not complaining about my life. I know that lots of people are dying to be in my place right now. When i am feeling down, or upset, i started to think of the people who are not lucky as i am and it somehow can make me feel thankful. But when stress conquered me, it didn't work. My mind started to wander around and i am back to my past. That is when i cant control my emotion because i miss my the past so much. Part of me knows that i can be a better person if i have the chance to go back to my past and fix my mistakes. What kind of crap i am talking about right now? There is no way it can happen. Exactly. That's what makes me sad.

I am going to be 25 in a few months. And here i am blogging about how much i miss my past. I know that nothing good will come out from this. But i think, its not only me. Everyone miss their past but they have let it go and move on. I moved on already. But whenever i am sad, i feel like something is pulling me back to my past and things got worse. 10 years ago, i have never imagined my life will turned out like this. Guess what? It did happen. And i am like... where did the time go? 

P/s: I still sleep with my teddy bear like a baby.

It's gonna be worth it

Yes. I am ashamed of myself. I have make thousand of promises to be better. Better version of myself from the previous years. I thought i have learnt my lesson. There are certain times when i know that i have a progress, but sometimes i feel like i can do better. Be better. I have made promises to myself and why did i violated that? I try to talked to myself and said that i have my own reasons why i did that but no matter what, there is no valid reason when you do something stupid and no meaning at all. 

To make it worse, when i read back my new year resolution for this year, my older Tumblr posts, i feel like there's nothing much change in myself. I am still me. I said i wanna change, i wanna be better and yet i still possessed all the negative attitudes that i have. God i wish i can get rid that all off and just be better. When you reached certain age, you know the kind of person you wanna be. But sometimes there's always something that will pulled you back down and make you feel stupid and useless again. Well, i have some issues with myself and i don't understand myself sometimes. Maybe its the hormones or maybe i am confuse. Or maybe i am not thankful enough with the life that i am living with right now. At night, i slept very late because if i force myself to sleep when i am not sleepy at all, that is the time when my mind started to think about all the things  that i didn't get in my life and there's nothing good come out of that. Nothing but tears on my pillow. I hate it when i cried myself to sleep.

I know that it is okay not to be okay. There are times when we will feel down and miserable but at least make sure that it is a good reason to cry. Reasonable reason. Because most of the time, when i am feeling down, deep down i know that it is just a silly issue. Damn i hate it when i make it like a big deal. But who is to blame? Yea, me. Right now, my life and my emotion are all over the place. I can be so happy at one time and the next thing i know i feel like i wanna punch someone in the face. Or just cry my eyes out. To be honest, you feel so much better after you let it all out when you cry. Is it just me or do you guys talk to yourself? I talked to myself a lot to keeps me sane and to avoid me doing anything stupid. 

But surprisingly i still have strong faith for the future. Well that is a good thing. That is the thing that keeps me going ahead. Sometimes when i feel like i wanna give up when everything is too hard, i always said to myself that i have reached this far and if i quit now, then all the pain, all the struggles that i faced before will be for nothing and that is even worse. So right now, i sacrificed a lot. I did all this so that i can have a better life but sometimes it is beyond my control. Who am i to fight against God? If God have other plans for me, who am i to say no? But deep down i hope that i will get the life that i want. When i was in high school, never in a million years that i thought my life will turned up this way. But guess what? It did. Boy the sacrifices that i made today, i know that in 10 years time i will laugh about it and wonder how did i survive that? Now that will be the best feeling ever. Survive and accomplish.

P/s: Always be a better version of yourself than yesterday. That way, you will improve yourself.