Nope i am not gonna lie. 2012 is not like i expected it to be. When i read back my resolutions for this year, i feel like i wanna laugh at myself. Yep. Still ashamed of what i did this year. It is still the same reasons that causes my sadness. And its a shame how i let my happiness depends on others. That is not how it should be babe. I gotta learn not to depend on others for my happiness. Yes, of course, having someone that i love will make me happy but when i am alone, i shouldn't feel sad. I shouldn't feel alone at times. God is with me.
All this time, i thought I felt lonely when i am alone. But lately, i started to think that you can still feel alone even when you're in a big crowd. I think too much of unnecessary things. The reason of my stress and sadness is maybe because i think too much. Too much that it didn't do me any good. For years, i let people make me sad without realizing it. This year, i did a lot of thinking. One thing for sure, it gave me a new perspective.
My reason of sadness is i expect too much from people. I let them define what is normality. I didnt follow my heart. Yes that's the reasons. I expected people to give me what i want. I expected my life to be better. I expected everyone to understand me. I expected people not to hurt me. Well guess what? It ain't gonna happen. Shit will happen eventually and there is no way i can get everything that i wanted. Its all about give and take process. Its impossible for me to get the things that i wanted. But that doesn't mean that i should give up. But if my life didn't turn out to be what i expected, then i gotta learn how to be okay with it. Everyday i said i believe in faith and destiny. Well, my action is otherwise. I gotta walk the talk. I realized now that expectation is the root of unhappiness.
When i let others define what is normality to me, i am such an idiot for letting them. I actually believe them. For years! Normality to me nowadays is bullshit! I think lots of people will agree with me. The reason that they feel sad and unhappy is they started to compare their life with others and they think of themselves as not normal and weird. Guess what babe? Weird is good! Uniqueness is brave! Why is it that we have to be what others want us to be? We can be whoever we wanted to be as long as we don't hurt other people's feeling and we didn't cross the line when it comes to our religion. You know what i mean...
I suddenly recalled song by Jem and the title is They.
Who made up all the rules?
We follow them like fools,
Believe them to be true,
Don't care to think them through
And I'm sorry, so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
I'm sorry, so sorry
I'm sorry we do this
And it's ironic too
'Cause what we tend to do
Is act on what they say
And then it is that way
And I'm sorry, so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
I'm sorry, so sorry
I'm sorry we do this
Who are they?
Where are they?
How can they possibly
Know all this?
Who are they?
Where are they?
How can they possibly
Know all this?
Do you see what I see?
Why do we live like this?
Is it because it's true
That ignorance is bliss?
Who are they?
Where are they?
How do they
Know all this?
And I'm sorry, so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
Do not let others define normality to you. That is just sick and unhealthy at all. Trust me, i know what it is like to be what others want you to be. They make you feel like a weirdo and the way i live, what i like and my surrounding is unacceptable. The truth is, there is nothing wrong with it. But they made it like a big fuss as if i live in a bizarre world. They expected you to be mature and all grown up. Define to me again what is maturity? Is that mean i have to talk about the big stuff where kids dont understand? Or maturity means taking responsibility? Believe me, i know what is responsibility. People who have no idea what i have to deal with everyday might say that i have everything and my life is so easy yada yada yada.. Well, try and walk in my shoe for once? I am not complaining about the hardship that i gotta go through in life. I know that there are thousand of people who are less fortunate. But i think its not fair when we assumed that other people's life are easier. Do we know what they have to go through everyday? Do we know the battle that they have to fight with everyday? No. So its better if we just shut the hell up and dont simply assume that they have an easy life. Everyone are fighting everyday. Some didn't show it but that doesn't mean their life is like a fairytale with a pony flying with fluffy and pinkish tail. As for me, i dont like to brag about my problem to others. But its not fair for others to think of my life as easy.
This year, i learnt a lot and i hope for the best in 2013. I wont tell to the whole world about my resolutions. Oh well, i still didn't think of it yet. Maybe i don't have one. But generally speaking, my resolution is just to be happy. Its time to cleanse our heart and mind.
P/s: I am on the pursuit of happiness. You should too.
